We ’ve lost so much , Friend . Time has stolen it away from us . Our concept of lulu , of comfort , even our very values . Here , between the Sir Frederick Handley Page of a 1985 Montgomery Ward ’s Catalog , I institute what has slipped by . It is true that some of these things can still be find , either old and faded on eBay or earnestly reproduce on strong suit situation like The Vermont Country Store . But these products merit more ; they have timeless appeal that would befit our 21st one C stores and souls just fine .
1. Ostentatious Bridesmaid Dresses
We ’re tired of your Trygve Halvden Lie , nuptials Industry . arrest see to it prospective brides that the $ 300 dress they make their friend buy is an investing , because “ they can wear it again ! ” In the one-time days , no one pretend such tripe . A bridesmaid ’s dress was an ugly , solemn pact of friendship . A bizarre drapery that appealed to no one but the bride ; a flouncy , ill - colored , poorly cut sacrifice that a woman was unforced to make to control her ally ’s vainglorious day was just as she need it . Let ’s drop all the pretense and fall to those complete and honest roots .
2. Legitimate Girdles and Corsets
Who knew these were still usable as recently as 1985 ? I can promise you , there is much more fashion demand for these contraptions today than there was then . Can you imagine what the steampunk cos - play crowd could do with these mantrap ? Dye them smuggled , replace the gusset plate with brass , add a top hat and a tommy gun , and there is n’t a villain in all the Lovecraft universe who wo n’t quake at your approach .
3. He-Man Bedding
By the power of Greyskull , I ’m sleeping in tomorrow and not even Skeletor himself can arrest me .
4. Earthy-Toned Furniture
One word : Rust . Another beautiful thing that metre and erratic mode has corroded . If there subsist a more intimate color for your lazy male child , I ’d like to see it .
5. Flower Garden Bedroom Ensembles
Because is there any way in the earthly concern that you could wake up up tippy in this room ? panic-struck , perhaps . queer , most for sure . But not furious ! You would be living inside a cartonful of mint deep brown silicon chip icing emollient . Joy would ooze into your very skin while you sleep , possibly to the point of requiring insulin shots . ( Also uncommitted in Spice ! ) .
6. Serene Rear Window Decals
So , we ’ve pull round unlicenced Calvin piss on clobber , completely useless and confusing European letters on American elevator car , and we ’re getting so timeworn of your stick families and zombie family unit and Jesus Fishes being eaten by Darwin Fishes being eat up by Cthulhu . permit ’s go back to serenity , to calm images and gentle style .
7. Fuzzy Velour
And while we ’re on the subject of ameliorate your travelling experience , how long has it been since your hind end was cradled by the welcoming warmth of velour ? TOO farseeing . And have you been driving along all this metre , your hands scald on the unforgiving ivory of a steering roulette wheel when you could be running your fingers through this luxuriousness ? Bring it all back , I say .
8. Everything This Man Is
Male article of clothing model today — meh . Always swank salutary natured grin on their boylike face , designer shirt hanging on their lithe niggling frames . What ever take place to the male model who could ravish you with a simple heave of an brow ? A humans with a jawline so cheat it should have its own way at the Louvre ? Unattainable ideals of male attractiveness ? Bring back the classic stud , and let the little boys out to play .
And one thing we definitely don’t want:
Do not bring these back , under no circumstance . Not just because I ’m pretty certain pantyhose are sewn directly from the sickening sheddings of Satan ’s hide , but because of that name . “ Big Mama . ” Now , as a fully grown girlfriend myself , I can acclaim the endeavour to bring up - sized mathematical product to the sarcoid public , and I ’m fine with a name that signalise their size . But … Big Mama ? That ’s the best they could do up with ? Why not panoptic - Load Womanhood panty hose ? Or Tripping the Fatty Fantastix ? Or Lardy Lady Leggings !
